My life was interrupted a couple of years ago…by sickness…And I’d just like to start off by telling you a little bit of back ground about my past and this illness.
When I was 12 years old, (19 year ago- oh my! I had to calculate this twice- Really? 19 years? I feel old!) Ok- back to the story. I woke up one morning with a swollen eye….as the day went on, it became painful, turning into a headache. The swelling increased and so did the pain. That week I went to the eye doctor and he didn’t have a clue as to what it could be….About a week later, the swelling left, the pain left, and I was back to normal….
Fast forward a few months later…again it happened. Only this time it came back with a vengeance. Unbelievable pain, swelling of my eye…to the point that the eyelid was swollen shut. We went to specialists everywhere- month after month- for years- and still, back then, no doctors knew what it was. I was checked for tumors and all the CT scans and MRI’s would reveal was swelling of the muscle behind my eyes- The cause and treatment- unknown.
I was hospitalized once with one of these flare up’s because it would last for up to 3 months at a time. Pain medications weren’t helping. Because of the pain, I could not eat or drink and when I did, I couldn’t keep it down. So, to stay hydrated, I spent time in a hospital room getting hydrated by IV.
Fast forward some more time…FINALLY, we found a doctor that diagnosed it -Orbital Pseudo Tumor-(Not cancer…but acts as a tumor would) and it was treated with prednisone- Ever heard of it? At the time, I called it a miracle drug..but soon realized that the side effects were horrendous. The medication allowed me to function because it took my pain and the swelling away but along with it came weight gain, extreme mood swings, anxiety, routine bone scans – because the prednisone could eat away at bone matter…and so on….and on. The side effects endless and horrid.
years later….. after being on prednisone for years, (12 to be exact) Beautiful sweet healing came….Jesus healed me.
I had just recently come to know Jesus, and He healed me! I was learning at that time to hear His voice..and every so often He impressed upon my heart to cut down another mg of my prednisone..until finally, I was no longer on it..and no longer sick….after YEARS, I was healed. A weight was lifted. I was forever grateful to Jesus for this miracle He had done in me.
Years later…after the birth of my second child (6 years after my healing) ….it. came. back.
I thought “God no…no, no, no. You healed me. I am healed, I am healed, I am healed.”
When I got the first ‘twinges’ of pain in my eye, I started to pray and pray hard. I emailed all of my close friends, my pastor, his wife…and I asked them to pray. I was feeling confident! …(but deep down, I was feeling panicked and battling feelings of doubt and fear.. but not wanting to admit this to God.) This, I thought, was just an attack from the devil, and I tried so hard to be determined to win this battle..after all, we are victorious in Christ right????
The pain got worse…and worse…and in my mind…my healing was…GONE.
I woke up in the night, with unbearable pain, there was no mistaking that even though I maybe didn’t lose my healing, the symptoms were real and they were back and I was broken.
My heart hurt….
I was angry….
I was scared….
I was in so much pain….
I was doubting God’s love for me…
Really, I was devastated.
I had prayed. Was my faith not strong enough? I spoke healing over my self- Did Jesus not hear me? Had I done something wrong to lose my healing? I cried. I had to go back on my prednisone- I had worked so hard to lose weight in the past and thoughts of all the weight coming back on was in my mind. The mood swings. The doctors warned me, the prednisone could cause increase in depression and anxiety when postpartum. My baby was only 2 months old.
I was so angry.
One evening, about a week later, I sat on the couch..feeling alone and broken- not because of my illness…but because I missed Jesus- so much. I hadn’t prayed. I hadn’t opened up my bible…nothing.
I decided in that moment that I had to make a choice. I had to chose wether I was going to turn away from Jesus, OR walk with Him, forever, no matter what. And I chose to stay…. no matter what.
Revelation came in that moment. He whispered to my heart “Be real with me. Don’t hide from me anymore. I can handle it. You don’t have to do it in your strength. You can’t do it in your strength”…..
Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. (John 15:4 NIV)
I was at a place in my life where I felt that I had to ‘have it all together’. I was trying so hard to be a perfect example for Christ in front of people-that it resulted in me trying to be perfect for God to. I was fearing that if I opened up to God about how I was really feeling about things- my struggles, my fears that I kept locked up to myself, that I would no longer have it all together on the outside.
There it was.
God had me where He wanted me. This sickness, this life interruption, brought me to a place where God could speak to me. He needed me vulnerable. He needed me quiet. He needed me to listen and slow down….He needed to break me in all the right places so that He could put me back together the way that He intended me to be.
It was a new beginning for me…I started getting ‘real’ with my Heavenly Father…I accepted that I didn’t (and still don’t) have it all together.
My life was interrupted….but it brought me closer to my sweet Jesus- so how can I ever be upset about that?